Gör det själv av:

Simulera ubåt livet hemma

1. Surround yourself with people you don’t like. Close all windows and doors tightly, close the curtains.
2. Seal any openings to the outside world with a proper vault. Unplug all radios, televisions and internet connections to cut you completely from news, football games, Saturday night live, the Mupppet show, etc..
3. Hourly, monitor all operating home appliances; if not in use, log as secured.
4. If using the bathroom, do not flush toilet for first two days to simulate smell of blowing sanitary facilities and venting inboard; then flush daily.
5. Wear only approved coveralls or proper navy uniform. No hats, special T-shirts, etc..
6. Cut your hair once a week, ensuring you make it look like hell.
7. Work and sleep in 4 hour intervals to ensure your body really gets confused. At least in sleeping periods switch on the vacuum cleaner beside your bed to simulate engine noise.
8. Listen to the same music CD over and over until you can’t stand it anymore; then put one in you can’t listen to without acute nausea setting in.
9. Set alarm to go on just as you fall asleep; set alarm at loud setting or buy a special alarm with various settings (e.g. “man at battle station”, “fire”, “flooding in the basement”).
10. Prepare food with a blindfold on to simulate what real submarine cooks do. Take blindfold off and try to get the dog to eat it. Then break out a can of tuna or peanut butter.
11. Cut your bed in half and enclose all but one side using the dimensions of a small casket as a reference. When not in bed make up blankets properly so that no one will see or care.
12. Periodically, for want of excitement, open all main power breakers and run around yelling “generator scram” until you are sweating profusely; then restore power.
13. Buy a snorkel and a mask and again, periodically, just for want of excitement, put them on and pretend you are in a smoke filled room with no way out. For added variety, hook up a garden hose and pressurize.
14. To enable yourself to handle anything, constantly study wiring diagrams and operating instructions for various home appliances (stove, refrigerator, can opener). For no reason at all, at specified intervals (monthly, weekly, etc.) tear one item apart, just in case it was going to break.
15. Paint everything around you grey (navy federal stock number grey, no substitutes) or off white.
16. To be sure you are living in a clean happy environment, every Friday set the alarm on loud for a short, but hated, drill sound; then get up and manned only with a bucket, sponge and a soap, clean one area over and over, even if it is already spotless. Then make out a discrepancy list.
17. Once a day, after normal programming hours, plug in the TV and watch one movie. Be careful that it is (a) at least 5 years old, (b) made before or (c) so bad that you have to install a seat belt in your chair to keep you there until it is over.
18. Since there is no doctor available, stockpile Band-Aids, Aspirins and Actifed. These are proven cure-alls. Practice if necessary on your dog (surgery, dentistry, death, etc.).
19. When commencing this test simulation, lock your family, friends, and everything else that means anything to you outside. Tests run for at least two (2) months with no end in sight.

If you can do this, you can do just about anything! If not, do not hesitate to ask retired submariners. You may find them in the next marina.

Bidrag: Axel Beeze, f.d. FC DE Ub